The Sense in Being Senseless: My Weapon for Depression

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I am in control of the life I lead, the body I reside in, the mind I put to sleep when the day has burned away its use.  “When the moon wakes up, the sun will go to bed.” I tell my son all-knowing, “and then the opposite is just as true. So life should make sense to you at 2.” 

If only life were so simple. If only I carried control like a remote of direction – I’d click through my guide of televised episodes concluding day’s ends – moral lessons by the channel.

But life is not so simple like the moon and sun appear to tell.  My dear children, I  won’t be able to explain it all and that’s the honesty I promise to always give you.  I promise to break your hearts when necessary, because it is my motherly and decent duty to never bend lies beautifully, so that you will grow up well. 

Life will sometimes hurt and control will slip your grip and mudslides of mistakes can ensue if you allow them to when the rain does not stop pouring.   You are not the makers of weather. Do not fight the storms as if you will turn them dry. Enjoy the sights of light striking fear into your hearts because, while such bolts of flash deem terrifying,  they’re real and will remind you of the many different ways possible to feel.  Be thankful you’re alive and please, do not dwell.  The storm will pass.

I am just having  one of those weeks and the rain is paying some visitation .  I watch the clouds roll in and listen for the growls of angry sky to arrive all while sitting on a swing beneath the blender.  Sunshine dimmed by white skies and in the distance,  black.  I sit beneath it all so that I can see, today I am outside myself.  Today, I am out of my control.  There is no sense today.  And that’s okay.

Queen City Kait

Positive Vibes that Rhyme

I am a superhero.  That’s what I say every morning, when my son kisses my head, a feeling of glory.  I’m a Queen, a tornado, an unstoppable force, with endless motivation – keep running life’s course. Doing more than just sitting in the clouds of my dreams, even though I’m not sure exactly what they mean.  Pushing it forward – another place and time, a place that parades ‘success’ in my mind.

This place isn’t so bad, just not ideal within my head.  What is the ideal? Not asleep, depressed in my bed.  I want a house without rules like, “No, you can’t paint here.”  A front yard and a backyard, with smells of pancakes and cookout beers.  A tree with a swing, and a fort for the kids.  I want a career that feeds our bellies, lacking all killer additives – replace the preservatives with expensive, fruitful feedings – beat cancer and alzheimer’s and crohn’s before aspartame takes us all along with it.

I want a school system that gives my children room for growth, lets them apply their creativity – puts it on show.  I want standardized testing to fall through the cracks so our teacher’s can freely do their own task.  I want what’s best for my children – their own pace respected – socially unmocked for being different – off course – rejected.  Tell them they’re bright, let the stars shine through their being – special in their own right, all passions being heeded.  A school that doesn’t make the montone maddening – but a place that holds standards of their individuality.

I don’t want a career that financially makes me happy.  I want to apply my happiness into a career so I’ll never go napping.  I’ll take what I love – turn it into something green, even if it’s just a faded mint in the beginning.  A passionate interest keeping me on the go – Not a selfish, hopeless wish but a constantly moving reason to wake up and roam.  My kids will see their mother doing what she loves – see her prosper as she chooses, a vanishing sense of ever losing.  And maybe, just maybe, they’ll end up doing the same.  That’s what I want more than anything.

I want to tell other women in less fortunate places, where I’ve been before and can relate to the phases: cynicism, regret, an insecure fate.  Give love to the wounds that were created by hate.  Know that time is not a barrier, not a social status either.  You’re amazing, a survivor, a limitless leader.  Say, “I am a superhero, a queen, an unstoppable force – running through the phases of life’s troubling fast pace course.”